You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
