Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize