Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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