Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize