I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
