why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
