I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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