my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
