too bad you live with your parents still
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
