i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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