he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
