Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
