i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
