party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
