Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
