I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
