I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Ladies don't puke and tell
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
