My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
