Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
