The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
