true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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