Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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