i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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