Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
