hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I look better un-naked...
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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