He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's shark week go big or go home
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize