my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
