Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
