can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
