Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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