The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
