You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
