just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
