he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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