you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
