I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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