I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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