She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
