Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
