i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
