We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
