I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
