Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
