No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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