You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
