I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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