He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
