Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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