Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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