Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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