mondays should just be called national damage control day
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
