Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize