how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
