that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Blow job season was short but glorious.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
