i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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