You don't have asthma, your pregnant
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
