happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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