I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
