Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Floor bacon is actually really good
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
