4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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