I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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