using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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