I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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