apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
