What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
