how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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