I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
